Boxes

I have to move heavy objects when I'm upset. It's something a noticed a few years ago while taking a strength training course at my local rec center. When I lift weights, I feel on top of the world. I feel like I'm strong and in control.

Today, I was upset. I'm not going to go into details on why exactly I was so upset, but I was upset. I have these boxes, six of them, of laminate flooring that has been sitting in my room for years, waiting to be installed. These were sort of a symbol of why I was upset today. I spent quite a lot of time just staring at them angrily. Then I decided to move them.

I am 5 foot 4 inches tall, and I weigh just under 100 pounds. I've always been small and I've always been made to feel weak. But I knew I was strong enough to lift each box, so I tossed all the junk out of the large storage space under my bed and lifted them into it. They were pretty heavy, and I was beat when I was finished, but I felt so calmed. Plus my room looks SO MUCH bigger now, it's not even funny. It was a very cathartic experience.

I'm glad I moved those boxes.

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Blank Pages

Well, it seems like I have a bunch of blank pages set before me again. I've blogged before, but never with much of a purpose. I guess I didn't have a purpose to do anything, I guess. I'd just sit in my room, wasting away my time, wishing I was part of life.

I was homeschooled since Kindergarten. Homeschooling is really, really good, don't get me wrong, but it was wrong for me. After awhile, I got stuck in my rut of being indoors with no one but my mother, and, when he came home from work, my dad. It went on for too long, really. I was homeschooled until Grade 9, and then in Grade 10 I started online school. And then I became depressed. I would just sit in my room with my computer doing nothing important. I didn't finish Grade 10, and then things started going downhill fast and I was registered for Grade 11 twice. I didn't do much, but I did do just enough for it to be possible for me to still get things done while finishing Grade 12. That's what I'm doing now, in a real school.

I can't say I love school. I guess no one can really say they love life on this dirty, nasty planet, but most don't want to be dead. I'd rather be stressing through school than being depressed again. Yeah, it's hard, but hard work makes you stronger. I'm not the person I was in September, as cliche as that sounds. I'm proud of myself.

It feels good to finally have something to write about. I used to write about nothing in a blog that wasn't me. That blog was the me I thought I should be, the me I thought could become famous, the me I thought people would like a lot better. I've learned, this year, that it doesn't really matter if others like me. I have to like me. And I really don't care if anyone reads my blog anymore. I just need to write. This blog is for me. I'm going to read my blog, and that's all that really matters. (That sounded very narcissistic, haha.)

I'm falling asleep on myself again.

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